"He Who Doesn’t Have Something Gives It in the Way He Wishes to Receive It" – Understanding Projection in Relationships

In reflecting on a common Arabic saying, “He who does not have something, can't give it,” I began to realize that we might be interpreting it too narrowly. It’s a phrase that seems logical—you can’t give what you don’t possess. But I found the source of the quote, Khalil Gibran, offers a different perspective: فاقد الشيء يعطيه بالشكل الذي تمنى الحصول عليه “He who doesn’t have something, gives it in the way he wishes to receive it.”

This slight shift in wording changed my understanding of relationship dynamics completely. Once you internalize it, you’ll see how this idea plays out in everyday life, especially when it comes to emotional needs and projection in relationships.

How Parents Project Their Own Needs onto Their Children

Think about parents who grew up with financial struggles. Many dedicate their lives to ensuring their children don’t face the same hardships. They work long hours, striving to provide every material comfort. And yet, when these children grow up, we sometimes hear them say, “You never really cared about me.” The parents, shocked, respond, “What do you mean? I gave you everything!” The child’s reply: “I didn’t ask for that. I just wanted you to be there.”

This disconnect comes from projecting the parent’s own unmet childhood needs for stability and financial security onto their children, assuming their kids would want the same things. In trying to fill their voids, they may overlook their children’s deeper emotional needs.

The Pendulum of Emotional Support: Another Form of Projection

Today, we see the pendulum swinging in the opposite direction with a new generation of parents focused on validating their children's feelings. These parents likely grew up being told to suppress their emotions, so they want to make sure their kids feel emotionally supported. While this is well-intentioned, it can sometimes overwhelm children if not balanced with teaching emotional regulation.

This form of projection—giving emotional support in the way we wish we had received it—can still miss the mark if the child's needs aren't fully understood.

Love Languages and How We Express Affection

The concept of love languages highlights this idea even further. For instance, if someone’s primary love language is gift-giving, they might express their affection through material gifts. However, if their partner’s love language is quality time or words of affirmation, those gifts may not resonate. The partner might feel unloved, despite the effort being put in. This happens because we often give love the way we want to receive it, not necessarily the way others need it.

Building Real Connections by Understanding Needs

So, how can we bridge this gap? Start by asking yourself: do the people in my life know I love them in a way they can actually feel? If you're uncertain, it might be time to listen more closely. We may put in a lot of effort but still miss the mark if we’re giving from our own experience rather than theirs.

True connection is about stepping outside of yourself, letting go of assumptions, and learning to understand the unique ways others want to be loved. This means being open to hard conversations and recognizing that what worked for us might not work for them. When we do this, we stop projecting and start genuinely connecting, leading to more fulfilling and meaningful relationships.

Conclusion

Real love is built on understanding, not assumption. Whether it’s in parenting, friendships, or romantic partnerships, we must strive to give not from our lack, but from a place of real awareness of what others need. By doing this, we foster deeper emotional connections and healthier relationships.